One of the nicest things about retirement is not having anywhere you have to be.
And one of the quickest ways to ruin that?
Invite me somewhere.
Now, before anybody gets offended, it’s not personal. In fact, I probably like you quite a bit.
I just don’t necessarily want to go anywhere with you.
Because once you invite me, you’ve created a problem.
Now I have to look at the invitation. I have to check the date. I have to pretend to think about whether I’m available.
And eventually, I have to come up with some reason why I can’t go.
When the real reason is much simpler:
I don’t want to put pants on.
Retirement Has Made Me Less Interested in Being Busy
There was a time when an invitation meant you went.
Somebody at work was having something? You went.
Somebody invited you to a party? You went.
There was a dinner, meeting, get-together or event you weren’t particularly excited about?
You still went.
Half the time, I don’t think we even stopped to ask ourselves whether we actually wanted to be there.
It was just part of life.
Retirement changes that.
For decades, somebody else controlled a big chunk of our time. We had schedules, meetings, appointments, deadlines and places we had to be.
Then we retire and finally get control of our time.
And almost immediately, people start telling us we need to fill it back up again.
Join a club.
Volunteer.
Take a class.
Meet new people.
Get involved.
Stay busy.
Do I have to?
Because I spent 40-some years trying to get out of meetings. I’m not sure I want to join a club so I can start going to them again.
That’s one of the things I’ve come to appreciate about How Downsizing My Life Made Retirement Feel Easier. A good retirement doesn’t necessarily have to be a busy retirement.
Sometimes peaceful is enough.
My Brother Is Living My Retirement Nightmare
My brother and I are actually pretty similar when it comes to socializing.
If somebody says, “Hey, we’re all getting together Saturday. Want to come?”
Our natural reaction tends to be:
Nah.
Not because we dislike the people.
We might even have a great time if we went.
We just don’t particularly want to go.
Which is why I find my brother’s current living situation so funny.
He and his wife live in their camper at a campground in Pennsylvania.
And this place is social.
There always seems to be something happening.
People are getting together. They’re having dinner. There’s an activity. Somebody is stopping by. Everybody knows everybody.
I told my brother he has basically moved into The Villages.
Except his version has wheels.
Apparently, he likes it.
And that’s great.
But every time he tells me about another activity at the campground, I have the same thought:
You’re living in hell.
Watch: Please Don’t Invite Me. I Don’t Want to Put Pants On.
Prefer watching instead of reading? This is one of the more lighthearted retirement videos I’ve made—and yes, there really is one group of people I’ll put pants on for.
Being Alone and Being Lonely Aren’t the Same Thing
Now, I know there’s a serious side to this.
We hear a lot about loneliness in retirement, and for good reason. There are people who genuinely want more connection in their lives and don’t have it.
But I think we sometimes make the mistake of treating being alone and being lonely as the same thing.
They aren’t.
You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely.
You can also spend an entire afternoon by yourself and be perfectly content.
Some people thrive on a full social calendar.
They want to know the neighbors. They enjoy the parties, cookouts, clubs and activities. They like waking up knowing there are three things happening that day.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
But there’s also nothing wrong with not wanting it.
That’s something I’ve become more comfortable with as I’ve gotten older. It’s part of the same realization I wrote about when talking about The Unexpected Joys of Not Caring After 60.
I don’t have to want something simply because somebody tells me it’s what retirement is supposed to look like.
The Question I Ask Myself Now
These days, when somebody asks me to do something, I ask myself a question I probably should have been asking for years:
Do I actually want to do this?
It’s amazing how often the answer is no.
That doesn’t mean I’m turning into the stereotypical grumpy old man sitting on the porch yelling at kids to get off my lawn.
For one thing, I don’t have a lawn.
I simply value having control over my time more than I used to.
That’s one of the freedoms of retirement that doesn’t get talked about enough.
We spend a lot of time talking about the financial side—when to claim Social Security, how much we need to retire, whether we can afford the house or the car.
Those things matter. I’ve written plenty about the financial choices that 15 Simple Ways to Lower Monthly Expenses in Retirement.
But control over your time matters too.
And once you finally have it, you may discover you’re not terribly interested in giving all of it away.
Why Does Everything Sound Better Three Weeks Away?
Here’s something else I’ve noticed.
An invitation can sound perfectly reasonable when it’s three weeks away.
“Sure. That sounds like fun.”
Then the day arrives.
Suddenly, you’re sitting comfortably at home thinking:
Why did I agree to this?
Now I have to take a shower.
I have to get dressed.
I have to drive somewhere.
I have to make conversation.
And then I have to figure out how long I need to stay before it’s socially acceptable to leave.
I’m exhausted just writing about it.
There Is Nothing Quite Like Canceled Plans
Then, every once in a while, something wonderful happens.
Your phone buzzes.
Sorry. Something came up and we’re going to have to cancel tonight.
Of course, you respond appropriately.
Oh, that’s too bad. Hope everything’s okay.
Meanwhile, you’re celebrating.
You’ve just been given your evening back.
It’s like finding $20 in an old pair of pants.
Except you don’t have to put the pants on.
A Successful Retirement Doesn’t Have to Look Busy
I think this is really what I’ve figured out.
I don’t need a huge social life to prove I’m enjoying retirement.
I don’t need something on the calendar every day.
And I certainly don’t need to stay busy just so I can tell myself I’m busy.
I can go for a walk.
I can take a trip.
I can work on something.
I can spend time with people I actually want to spend time with.
Or I can sit at home and do absolutely nothing.
I’m pretty good at that last one.
And simple doesn’t mean empty.
That’s an idea that has come up repeatedly for me as I’ve figured out retirement. Whether we’re talking about 10 Choices That Let Me Live on Social Security or simply deciding what we want our days to look like, sometimes having less is exactly what makes life better.
Less stuff.
Fewer obligations.
Fewer places we have to be.
More control over our own time.
It Really Isn’t Personal
I don’t never want to see anybody.
There are people I enjoy spending time with. There are places I want to go and things I want to do.
I’ve just become much more selective about all of them.
When you’re younger, you spend a lot of time wondering whether other people want you around.
As you get older, you start asking a different question:
Do I want to be there?
Sometimes I do.
Sometimes I don’t.
And when I don’t, it really isn’t personal.
So if you’re having a cookout this weekend, I hope you have a great time.
If you’re throwing a party, I hope everybody shows up.
If you’ve got a club that meets every Tuesday night, I hope you have a waiting list.
Just don’t feel obligated to invite me.
I’m good.
There’s a pretty good chance I’m sitting at home, perfectly content, wearing something I wouldn’t answer the door in.
And that’s exactly where I want to be.
There is, however, one exception.
If you’re one of my kids or one of my grandkids…
Invite me.
I’ll put pants on.
